Note: I wrote this piece in one sitting, and I realize now it’s mostly a big, giant word vomit salad. But I told myself that this was okay. It’s okay to just say things for myself without making sense. It’s okay because it’s okay to be vulnerable and jumbled sometimes. Thoughts are not always perfectly worded sentences and elegant prose and rose-scented poetry. Sometimes thoughts are weird and confusing and that’s fine, so I am posting this without any major edits, just grammar ones. Hope you enjoy! <3

The idea of simply existing for a minute should not be so radical.

I should not feel so bad for wanting to simply be and not wanting to do or make or create, for just a minute. I know I should be productive. I should be doing something useful, but I don’t want to. Not right now. I should not feel so bad. But yet, I do.

There are so many things I need and want to do. I want to write a book. I want to learn how to play guitar and sing. I want to take acting classes. I want to do my laundry and put it away right after. That will never happen. I need to be productive. I know I should be writing or reading and not sitting on my phone, scrolling. There is no time to sit and watch TV, it feels bad to do it when I have a pile of clothes that needs putting away and another that still needs to be washed. I need to be productive. I have a pile of dust bunnies under my bed that needs cleaning. It’s fine, they’re probably a nice, happy family by now. Making my bed, that needs to be done too. Wash my sheets. Coffee cups and water bottles litter my desk and a half-eaten banana from this morning sits on a plate. An art print just fell off my wall and now sits on the ground as I just stare at it. I need to clean the dog hair off the floor. Wipe the windows. Make some food. Clean my bathroom. Shower. I need to be productive. I need to look for a better job because the one I have is tiring and stressful and doesn’t pay enough. I need to work more so I can get a better car. I need to work but I am so tired. I need to be productive. I need to write more so I can build a portfolio. I want to play video games, but I should be working on my resume instead. I should be looking for better jobs. Jobs that I will never care about, but which will make me more money. Jobs that will drain the life and soul out of me but hey, they pay more so it’s fine. I need to productive. I need to make more content so I can upload more content. I need to do my hair and look nice and pretty. I need to look nice always. I need to clean my eyebrows because they look a mess and do my nails because they are chipped and dry and my hair needs a brushing. I am so tired, but I need to be productive.

My brain wants for so much, I have three tasks today and three tomorrow. I had three yesterday and none of them got done because I couldn’t decide which one to start first so now I have six tasks and will have nine tomorrow. I decide to do nothing because it’s easier. I will, instead, sit on my desk and scroll for one hour, feeling bad about everything, feeling bad that the world is up in flames and I can’t do anything, feeling bad because I should be doing something better but for some reason, I just can’t bring myself to do it.

I will go on a shopping website, read the first three paragraphs of an article, get bored and stop, write a sentence for a blog which takes me forty-five minutes to come up with, pick up my phone and scroll Instagram, realize what I’m doing isn’t good, exit out the app and open it immediately again, shake my head because, why did I just do that? Look at my wall for 3 minutes with my brain turned off, look up the history of toothpaste just because I can, think about getting a new phone because maybe mine is getting old, realize it’s not, remember that I need to be doing something and feeling motivated to do it and feeling bad because I’m not doing it.

Something pins me down and holds me captive. Except that thing is my own brain and I can’t do anything except for what is easiest, which is nothing. I will think that I need to do more, I need to work more, I need to get going, do something, get up, go on a walk, make food, do something. But I physically cannot do it. I cannot choose a task.

I should be used to this. I’ve been doing it for twenty-nine years.

Today, as I write this, it is 11:13pm. I spent the day doing nothing. Absolutely nothing. I opened up a document to start writing, stared at it for some time, scrolled, ate, took a nap, woke up, drank a lot of water, ate, scrolled again, and finally, at 11 at night, I wrote. Mostly out of guilt. Because it’s even worse when I do have the time and I let it go to waste. It’s easy to justify my procrastination when I’ve just come from work. I’ll come home from my late-night shifts, exhausted, but hating the feeling I just spent the day doing something I don’t care for so I will open a document up and try to get some writing done but I am so tired from work that I can’t focus, and I write nothing at all. And then at 3 in the morning, I sleep. But it doesn’t feel so bad because at least I know I spent that day making money for myself.

But here’s the thing we all need to remember. Productivity does not define our worth. Our worth as humans is not based on how much work we can put out or how useful we can be to others, to society, to a company that can replace us in the blink of an eye. We are all worthy because we are all human and alive and we are deserving of happiness and safety from the first breath we take. That is our right as humans.

It is okay to simply exist sometimes. Really, all the time. But I get it. We have jobs and responsibilities. People to take care of. Things that need to get done. People rely on us. Pets rely on us. That is the reality. But simply being is okay too. Sleeping in on your day off is okay. Watching rom coms after work instead of finishing that one book that’s sitting on your coffee table is okay. Don’t look at it, it can’t look at you back. And if it can, leave that house now. Buying yourself a new Lego set when you should probably be buying new couch cushions is okay. It is okay to prioritize your happiness every once in a while. It is okay to go outside and stare at the sky and look at the clouds and think about nothing and no one at all.

It is okay to turn your brain off and just be. You are allowed to exist as you are, messy hair and all.