I like when no one sees my writing. Not all the time, only sometimes.

I am, after all, like most writers. I want to one day write books which reach hundreds, thousands of people. More. But I’m happy with just a few. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want that. Most of us do.

For most writers, I think, the thought of having our deepest, most inner thoughts displayed out for the world to see seems absolutely dreadful. For me, the thought is paralyzing. My blood runs cold at the idea of having so many eyes perceive me, my thoughts.

Now you know what I think, what I feel, what I want.

Our thoughts are supposed to be the most sacred thing, the only thing we have left that can be kept secret.

And yet, it is what we writers do.

We write these things for people to see. We want people to read our words, and not just read them but connect with them. We want our words to mean something. We want our words to be good. Just, that. Good. We want to feel like what we write can have an impact.

I want to write stories with meaning, with heart.

But sometimes, I like writing things I know no one is going to see.

I like writing things in secret, for my eyes and folders only. I like the thought that there are things no one else is going to get to see. I want so much for my writing to one day reach the shelves of everyday people, but I also want to keep some things to myself. Secret stories and secret thoughts. It’s thrilling.

Write for yourself

It is okay to simply write just for the sake of being able to write. Write yourself letters, put them in an envelope and give them to yourself. They are yours. For your eyes only.

Write things with the intention of never sharing them. Write poorly, write beautifully, write just okay. Write bullet points, write just words, write full sentences. Write in a notepad, in your Notes app.

Write things that don’t feel like you in your journal, things outside of your comfort zone.

Sometimes I find myself writing a story and one page in I’ll realize it’s either not good or not something I want to keep writing or not something I want to finish or share. I’m easy to abandon the story. But I’m learning sometimes it’s not a terrible idea to just finish it. Finish it badly, maybe, if I must, but finish it.

Write badly

One of the things I struggle with the most is allowing myself to write poorly.

I expect my first and second drafts to be pristine, beautifully edited masterpieces from the get-go. I expect every sentence to flow out of me so delicately, and every word to be immaculate, to need zero to minimal editing, to be ready to be sent out to agents. I compare my first drafts to the several times edited books I devour. I compare my words to the words of writers who have been working on this craft for longer than I’ve been alive, who have been doing it for decades.

Not every sentence is going to be poetic and beautifully crafted. Though sometimes I’ll often stun myself and write some really great sentences, even paragraphs and pages, and then the following page is filled with the most incoherent mesh of words and oddly-placed punctuation marks and I wonder, do I even speak English after all?

It takes me by surprise, and I wonder, “oh no, have I lost my spark? Am I suddenly the world’s most awful writer. I should quit right now while I’m ahead before anyone even sees this, right?”

WRONG. FALSE. INCORRECT.

The brain is a highly complex organ, right?

It needs time to rest, to reset. Think of it as going for a run. When you’re running, or doing any kind of high intensity cardio, your heart is going to get tired and you will become breathless. You need rest time in between the long sprints for your heart to catch up. You will run (write) for long periods of time, and then your heart (brain) will tell you to wait up because it needs some time to rest before it can get going again.

Now, writing might not leave you breathless (or maybe it might, I don’t know) like sprinting might, so in those rest periods you can decide to keep writing. That’s fine. But remember your brain is still resting, and whatever it comes up with might not be so great. It is still resting.

It doesn’t mean in anyway that your brain is broken, or that you’ve somehow lost your talent and every skill you worked so hard to gain.

You just need time.

I write these things for you, but also mostly for me. I am no stranger to self-doubt and it is something I speak of a lot in here for several reasons. One, I know so many other people are in the same boat, and I want you to know you are not alone. And two, it soothes me. It helps me get used to being vulnerable. This is my journal, ready for the whole world to see.

The hardest part of being a writer (besides the fact we don’t get paid enough for what we do, but then again, neither do any other of the arts but we’ll speak on this another time) is being brave and maybe even vulnerable enough to allow our words to be seen by other, perhaps not so kind eyes who most often do not have our best interests and our feelings in mind.

That is one truth we have to accept.

If we want to allow our art to be shared, to reach the right people, it will most often have to reach a lot of the wrong people first.

If you are a reader, I hope you enjoy my words. If you are a writer, I hope the same for you but I also hope you keep writing. Believe me, I know it’s hard and it feels pointless at times. What is the point of all this, you may ask yourself. Is what I’m doing going to lead to anything?

You’ll never know unless you try. Are you ready to try?