When I started to write my first book back in 2023, I thought I had it all figured out. It was cute, really, to think it’d be easy. I thought I’d open up a document, write down my story and it’d be nice and perfect and glossy. Ready for edits immediately to be sent to a publisher. I’d have a publishing deal in no time.

Uh-huh. Sure.

Trying to write a book has been a beautifully chaotic experience, and possibly the best and simultaneously the worst idea I’ve ever had.

And I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

It has been sleepless nights, rushes of creativity, months of mental blocks, writing 50k then scrapping them, looking over older writing and cringing at it, coming up with new stories and dismissing my old ones for new ones because they are shiny and new and exciting and then eventually going back to those old stories when the new ones suddenly aren’t so fresh. It’s been me questioning myself and my choices every three days, deciding that yes I am making the right choice, and then no, I am not good enough for this.

At this point, this book is being written out of pure spite. Because I am no quitter and because I refuse to back down from a challenge such as this one. (Also because I adore writing, it’s my passion, I can’t imagine myself doing literally anything else, it is what makes me the happiest, blah blah blah). But mostly, pure spite.

If you asked me if I’d go back in time and warn 2023 me about any of this, I would say no. Because honestly, I think I needed this. I needed this challenge. This entire process has been a journey of discovery of so many different things. My preferred genres, my writing style, my characters, the themes I want to explore in my stories, my abilities, my creativity, my vulnerability.

It’s been so difficult and taxing but it has been, most importantly, incredibly fun and exciting. My brain has been filled with characters and stories for so long and to be able to put them all down, flesh them out, and get to know them better has been such a unique experience.

I’ve written possibly more than 100,000 words. Words that I’ve scrapped countless times because they were not perfect enough. I keep telling everyone around me that it is okay to not be perfect and yet, I cannot listen to my own advice. I was so focused on writing the most amazing sentences on my first attempt, compared my first drafts to heavily edited, published books and then wondered why my sentences didn’t sound like theirs.

Like, come on. Get a grip, you ridiculous girl! You can do this. You will do this. And it will be great. (Sorry, sometimes I have to talk to myself!)

I don’t have any advice for anyone other than to just write the damn sentence, even if it’s bad. Be okay with bad because bad can be edited. But at least you will have bad written down on the page.

I’m finally at a place where I feel excited for my story and my characters. It has been almost two years of getting to know them all very personally, and while some will stay in my current book and some will be sent to the waiting room to await my next one, they are all so very near and dear to my heart. They feel like real people!

Which sounds insane, now that I think about it. I just made up these people in my head and have decided to place them in the worst situations just because I can?

God, I love being a writer.